Words and illustrations by Jabe
'This is a man's man's man's world' said James Brown back in the summer of 1966. But lest we forget that the Godfather of Soul said a lot of things; 'Jump back and kiss yourself, Papa’s got a brand new bag' and 'Take me to the bridge!' are just a few of his teachings I try to live my life by everyday. But when a convicted wife beater tells you that it’s a man’s world, you can’t ever take his word as gospel.
To quote another musical visionary ‘times they are a changing’. A case in point, who remembers the 90’s man? Caring and considerate he was a bloke who knew how to cook a nice meal for you and the importance of cleaning it up afterwards. He’d open a door for you but wouldn’t dream of ogling your derrière as you chassed by. So in touch with his feminine side was he that he’d pick you up a seven, take you to see Titanic, cry at the end and then champion Kate Winslet’s fuller figure on the way home. He was a Gentleman, he was a connoisseur, he was Sam Baldwin in Sleepless in Seattle but like him, the 90’s man was a fictional character thought up by a man to dupe women into a false sense of security. Deep down we’re all just plain old Tom Hanks.
I’ll let you in on another little Hollywood secret; when Sally faked an orgasm in that crowded café, Harry wasn’t squirming awkwardly in his seat because of his prudish male sensibilities; under that table he had a stonking erection! And you won’t see that in the DVD extra’s.
'You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!' The sweetest guy you could ever hope to meet has already had ample time to mentally screw you three different ways before he’s even introduced himself, and hello! He just did. All guys do this; some of us are just better actors.
So whatever happened to the 90’s man? You didn’t clock him for the sugar coated charlatan he was; you just ate him for breakfast.
I’ll go out on a limb and make a sweeping generalisation here. You’re average woman today is so savvy, so confident and so sexually aggressive that us blokes have a tough time living up to her high expectations. Be honest, if the Prince charming you dreamt about as a child pulled up outside your flat in a carriage driven by four white chargers you’d raise an eyebrow at the matching white suit he was wearing. The average woman of today knows exactly what she wants and she wants it all and I mean EVERYTHING.
Now that’s no bad thing, let’s cut to the chase as it were, more power to you and all that but let’s not get too carried away with ourselves. We wouldn’t want to tip the scales too far in the opposite direction now would we? Would we? Just because you are the new Roman Empire doesn’t give you the right to go taking liberties like, invading foreign territories for instance.
They say no man is an island but if it’s a war you’re after you need only lay anchor on the porcelain shores of the Gent’s toilets and I’ll unleash hell. The next time I’m out in a nightclub and I pay a visit to the John’s please, please, pretty please stumble in behind me like a pack of pissed hyenas and make a beeline for the urinals. Come over and have a surreptitious glance at my genitals. In fact, better yet brazenly stare straight at them; no need to be shy. Perhaps you feel like making some mildly sexist remark about the length of my shaft, be my guest. Might I also suggest that my foreskin could be an interesting topic of conversation for you and your friends to discuss later over a coffee? Let’s face it; if I hadn’t wanted privacy I would have just urinated on your stilettos at the bar before offering to buy you a drink.
You Princess, are not the exception to the rule. You my dear, have to cue to go potty like all the other girls and I don’t care how desperate you are. You should have thought about that before you quaffed all those Bacarardi breezers. You know I really hate to be the one to break this to you but this isn’t nearly as hilarious as you think it is. Although the other guys aren’t making a big deal of it I can assure you that there isn’t a man in the Gent’s who doesn’t think you’re a t**t right now. In fact you’re probably just about drunk and stupid enough to sleep with one of them and you’ve just let them know it.
Now know this; for century’s women like the suffragettes struggled and even laid down their lives for equality and women’s rights. When I see a generation of younger woman abusing those hard won freedoms and corrupting those principles by engaging in activities which they themselves wouldn’t tolerate from men it makes me kind of upset. Ladies who habitually use men’s toilets should be as ashamed of themselves as the men they objectify.
